Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Ex Factor

While most people believe exes are out of your life for a reason, so you needn't be friends with them, I'd like to flip that.  They are out of your life romantically, yes, as that arrangement didn't work out.  That does not mean you can't still value him or her as a person (after all, you did while you were together). 

Yes, there may be unresolved feelings on one side, but as long as those are kept in check, the friendship can be rewarding for both sides.  After all, he or she likely knows better than even some of your closest friends, and you probably share interests.  And, I don't mean friends with benefits!

The one tricky aspect can be any feelings of jealousy on either side, but those can be managed by simply reminding yourself why it didn't work out and not flaunting your new beau in front of your ex.  I may be unique in that I truly wish my exes well and hope they find happiness with someone better suited for them.  I know that kind of perspective may take some time to reach, which brings me to another key point: wait a while before going down the friendship path.  You will both need some time for any fresh wounds to heal.  It's also easier to do this if the relationship ended on your terms, which has always been the case for me.

I don't believe that you should dispose of people or write them off unless they have truly wronged you.  A relationship not working out is not personal, ie they haven't truly wronged you (unless they've lied, stealed, or cheated, in which case you have every right to remove them from your life).  I can see that it would not have been wise to marry any of my exes.  I know I wouldn't have been happy today, and although it takes some maturity to recognize this, once you do, it'll be easier to move on.  While some people think moving on must include cutting off the ex entirely, I disagree.  Staying friends shows how far you've come. 

So Darth, how do you feel about this?  Are you friends with your exes?  Do you think it's a worthwhile pursuit or a Pistolera fantasy?

-Pistolera

I must say Pistolera, you continue to amaze me with every post.  I really did not think that this would be your stance on a very hot topic.  But I don't get credit for giving you praise, so let's get right to the point.  Sure you can be friends with your ex, and it could definitely blossom into a fruitful and beneficial relationship.  But you know what? I wouldn't bet on it.  I'll give your average person one in four chances for establishing good relationships with your ex but only with enough time to let fresh wounds heal.  Is a 25% probability for a good outcome enough for you to take the risk? I say no, but our readers might like those odds.

I think the biggest concern that I have with Pistolera's logic is the assumptions that it's based on.  First, she states that you should only write off people if they've done something bad to you.  My counterargument is that the majority of the time you break up with people because of that very fact.  It's a rare occurrence when an alien says, "you know what, Mary Ann, I think we have come to a point in our relationship where it is better that we transition to just being friends. Let's agree to six instances of 'attempt to make up sex' over a period of six months and then call it quits permanently."  Usually someone cheated, there was a huge argument, or you guys just can't stand being around each other.  That's just the nature of relationships for a lot of people.

Second, -- and I actually like this point -- Pistolera says, "The one tricky aspect can be any feelings of jealousy on either side, but those can be managed by simply reminding yourself why it didn't work out and not flaunting your new beau in front of your ex." So she expects you fine ladies to say, "You know what, it's cool that it didn't work out with Darth Vader.  He's a sociopath with the mind of a fifth grader, and we would have had ugly kids,.  Forget that fool."  That's like Best Case Scenario 101.  Probably not going to happen like that.  What is more likely to occur is that you will definitely be jealous as your ex beau will be jealous of anyone that you bring around. It's human nature, ladies and gentlemen.  Pistolera comes from outside the galaxy, and I'm heir apparent to run the Jedi order, but we both have to acknowledge basic human emotion.

I could go on and on, but you get my drift.  Ending relationships is hard.  Continuing friendships with your ex definitely takes time, and it rarely ever works out.  However, I think Pistolera painted a picture where she is different from most folks, which is why she believes can work it out.  I think inherent in her argument is the fact that she chooses quality to begin with, so at the end she's left with quality.  Just not the type of quality that she's compatible with in the long term.  For the rest of you people who just date casually and get burned by bad relationships, your "can I be friends with them afterwards index" reverts back to the mean of 25%.

Maybe pistolera has something.  Quality in, quality out.

Always remember, if basic communications break down, there's nothing that a lightsaber can't solve!

DVJ

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