Outside the Box? Or is it?

Greetings ladies and aliens. I thought I would try something different with this post. I want to do my best late night TV impersonation and create a top five list.  Don't be concerned my friends, this is DVJ we're talking about. This will not be your run-of-the-mill Top Five List.

The list is based on five "outside-the-box" concepts/ideas aliens like to think about in regards to women.  My goal is to provide some insight into our ever-changing thought processes.  Of course I am only one alien, and my thoughts are only representative of the few martians that think like I do.

Pistolera my dear, rather than comment directly on my list, I would love to see you generate a top five list of your own.  That way we're not only educating ourselves but our faithful readers.

Top Five Thoughts Aliens Have About Women (in no particular order)
1. In order to understand aliens, women should walk a mile in our shoes; literally.  Go out and buy some men's shoes and walk around in them for a week or so.  You'll be surprised on what you find out.

2. More ladies should accompany aliens to a gentleman's club for an evening of fun and entertainment.  Trust us ladies, it's really an educational experience! Or, if a gentleman's club is too much, every woman should go on a bar crawl and just listen to alien conversations.

3. Ladies should be more vocal about how they would like to be treated instead of assuming an alien will figure it out.  Things aren't like they were when our parents were growing up.  New environment equals new rules.  Don't worry; we'll learn after awhile. 

4. I wish someone would create a wine bar where all the TVs showed nothing but programs men deny watching by themselves but everyone knows they watch when they're around women.  That my friends, would become the biggest pickup spot known to mankind. I promise you!

5.  I would create a holiday that would be solely for the good guys out there. Not the nice guys mind you but for the aliens who seem to have that perfect mix that ladies seem to love.  I would call it Gentleman's day.  Ladies would have to give each Gentleman they know a present.

So there you have it.  My first list. Pistolera, do your worst.  Remember, these are not the droids you're looking for.
-DVJ

Fine, I accept your challenge.

Top Five Thoughts Pistolera Has About Men Folk
1.  Put some thought into how you look.  Clothes are not only for girls, and the men who look sharp get more attention from women.  Pay attention to the men you admire and see how they put an outfit together.  Buy quality clothing and go to a tailor.  No woman wants to date the eternal frat boy.  Please, I beg you: pay some attention to your appearance.

2.  Respect women and don't always be suspicious of their motives.  Now, sometimes there are reasons to be suspicious, but unless you're (a) a professional athlete or (b) dating women who have nothing going for them, you do not need to worry about them being "golddiggers."  Most likely, you don't have that kind of money, and she has a brain and earning potential of her own.  Men who are suspicious of women just don't like them!  I find it insulting that any man would assume I need him to "support" me and am interested in his money (obviously, the men who think this have nothing else going for them).  This attitude immediately turns me off.  But, let's not take this too far.  Plan a date -- a thoughtful one, not just dinner at McDonald's -- and pay, always.  Ladies are looking for romance, not "hey buddy, let's split a beer."

3.  Why can't you communicate?  Stop playing games and telling us what you think we want to hear.  Tell it to us straight -- whether you like us or not, what you want, etc.  We can take it; we're big girls!  (And I understand that sometimes you don't know -- just like we don't -- but that can't be all of the time!)

4.  Be exciting and spontaneous.  Dazzle your intended.  Make her feel like you did when you went to Disneyland as a kid and saw Mickey Mouse in person for the first time.  Women get bored just as quickly as men do, and there is nothing interesting about routine.  I know you feel like you can let down your guard in a relationship and no longer put in the effort, but try a new restaurant, get away for the weekend, go to a wine tasting, or visit a museum.  Find something new to do at least once a week (that's nothing fellas!).

5.   Hey, DVJ, if you can find enough Gentlemen to have a whole holiday, I'll go in on it with you!  We know I'm a fan of gentlemen.  Great idea (rare as it is for you).

-- Fondly, Pistolera

Thank her for the training wheels

Women are sometimes threatened by their beau's ex, but I think you should thank her for molding the man that you are dating today.  That's often the role I play -- preparing men for marriage -- because hey, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!

As I've noted before, it's hard to date me, not because I'm unreasonable but because I know what I deserve.  I'm never obnoxious about it, and I've been fortunate in that men who date me want to see me happy.  And ladies, that should always be the case!  Never date a man who puts himself first at all times.  He will never be more than "that guy you're dating."

So, how do I prepare these men?  First, you must be the ultimate gentleman: pull out my chair, help me with my coat, open the door.  Old-fashioned?  Yes.  A way to determine whether he has other desirable qualities?  Absolutely!  Second, show you want to be there.  That means pay when we go out, plan romantic trips, and surprise me once in a while.  I don't want your money, and I would like you to act as if you know that.  Men who are not generous in the small ways are not going to make good boyfriends, husbands, and fathers.  Third, keep it interesting.  Being in a relationship is not an excuse to be lazy!  Hold my attention, and I'll stick around.

As much as I train the men with regards to what they need to do, I also show them what they should be looking for in a quality woman.  I will go out of my way for a man who I feel deserves it.  These men learn that they shouldn't put a ring on anyone who won't take a bullet for them...well maybe a paintball cartridge.

Similarly, when I meet a man who needs training at a later age, I pity the women who "put up" with him.   Maybe they enjoyed dating him; maybe they thought it was the normal course of dating.  Are their expectations and standards so low?

So ladies, when you do meet a quality man, write off any potential jealousy and give a slight nod to his ex...she contributed to making the (real) man standing before you today.

--Professor Pistolera

Interesting. I can definitely see that Profesora Pistolera was very inspired today.  She makes a lot of good points but also makes some generalizations that must be addressed.

Overall, I don't think Pistolera is doing anything different than what most women do over the course of their relationships.  Every lady has had a hand in molding their ex-aliens for their next relationship whether they like it or not. And you must consider the other side of the coin.  Ladies, all of your ex-aliens have prepared you for future relationships as you slowly start to comprehend how aliens think.

I agree with Pistolera that men should aspire to be with a woman of the highest standard. I also get that if you are to acquire a women of standard you must be deserving of it.  In other words, aliens should treat women the way they deserved to be treated: quite well. 

Now, here's the catch: men and women are both very selfish.  No one wants to put themselves out there without some guarantee that it will be reciprocated in some fashion. Ladies need to ensure that they are actively providing examples of why they should be considered high quality.  You can't just sit there and expect all the magic to happen (too easy I know).  An alien is more willing to act like they have sense if a woman "comes correct."  A lot of issues happen when men and women wait for the other person to give when it should be mutual.

And ladies, don't be threatened by your alien's ex; be excited for the next alien that pistolera is going to throw your way.  I am quite certain he will be equipped to handle the job of treating you like the lady you are.

Jedi vanish...
DVJ

We met online: what's the big deal?

Okay you aliens, let's get straight to the point with this one.  In the ever changing world of relationships and dating I believe that you have to utilize all of your assets.  We've all seen those commercials with match.com, highlighting all the great relationships that start through their website. (sidebar: I'm waiting for someone to do a parody of the worst dates set up through Match.com; I think that would be good television).  I'm not saying that you have to change your entire dating style up but time and time again online dating has proven itself as a viable option.
What's the real purpose of this post? First, I think Pistolera will have a field day with this one so I'm very eager to see what she has to say.  Second, I find myself talking with a lot of ladies who are tired of the same old dating scene but won't do online dating because there's still a stigma attached to it.  No more stigma ladies, what's the worst that could happen?  And if something bad does happen, don't worry; I have a lightsaber and will travel.

Ninja smoke, I'm out!
-DVJ

Let me begin by saying I believe in the spontaneity of dating -- the old-fashioned story of boy meets girl and courts girl.  And, I believe online dating takes away some of the mystery that makes dating "in real life" so interesting -- unraveling detail by detail of yourself and of the other person.

Even so, there is a great efficiency to online dating. The sites cut through all of the nonsense by targeting the age groups, religions, and ethnicities you most desire -- and that you may not be able to find in your own 10-mile radius.  It works for the same reason that being set up by friends works -- the online dating engine, like your best friends, knows your likes and dislikes, hones in on your wants and needs, and provides you with a buffer in case things don't work out so well.  Plus, how could a service with all the relevant information about you not provide a higher hit ratio than the blind universe?  While there is something romantic to be said about fate, what can be more romantic than finding just the person you've been looking for? (Am I starting to sound like an eharmony commercial yet?!?)

I know many people for whom online dating sites have proven very successful; however, they tell me that dating via these sites is like a full-time job.  Even though the sites conduct the first screen, you need to go on a number of dates in a short period of time to narrow down the remaining options.  This isn't unlike dating in the real world, with the difference being that people on these sites -- at least the larger ones that screen their members -- are looking for relationships, so I assume continuing to date someone means more than "I'm bored," which tends to be my default dating MO.

I've never been on any of the sites, but I have been tempted.  I think I've held myself back because there's a certain vulnerability when you put yourself on the site -- people know about you and can make judgments before you've had a chance to do so yourself.  In the real world, I don't engage people I am not at least slightly interested in getting to know, but online, you are there -- exposed -- for everyone to see.

Maybe I'd have more success online.  I just believe strongly a man should pursue a woman, and if I make it clear that I'm looking for a relationship, that may change the dynamic I'm comfortable with.  Nonetheless, I agreed yesterday to sign up as an incentive for a friend who needs a little push in the dating department, so stay tuned...I'm jumping in!

-- Pistolera

Stroking Egos

Men will list lots of qualities they desire in their ideal woman -- especially those who are themselves successful -- but when it comes down to it, one quality I have noticed will put a woman ahead of all the rest, and that will never be on that list, is stroking his ego.  The woman may be successful and ambitious and everything else, but he still wants her to gaze at him in awe of his accomplishments.  And interestingly, those men who you would think are the most secure based on appearance and accomplishments require this treatment the most.

As someone who is not easily impressed -- and finds it hard to offer compliments that are not genuinely felt -- I am not very good at this.  And, as much as men enjoy the challenge and the chase with me initially, they require a balancing of ego-stroking that I can't provide in that beginning phase, as much as they try to get that kind of attention from me.  Once I know them, I will do it when they deserve it, but even then, my compliments aren't thrown around willy nilly.

As women, we understand the desire to feel worshipped -- or at least, appreciated -- but this is different, if only because it requires the woman to bow down in deference to the man, something women have fought so hard to overcome in the past few decades.  It goes beyond simply appreciating the man; men can be especially needy in this regard.  I have had men argue with me, trying to convince me of how great they are, waiting for me to have an "epiphany" and realize I should be stroking their egos.

Furthermore, men are willing to "trade down" to a woman who does not have all of their desired qualities if she thinks they're the greatest thing since sliced bread.  (I'm not saying that some of this isn't necessary to actually be in a successful relationship -- after all, you have to believe the person you're with is better than the other options or you won't choose them.)

Studies say the more successful a woman, the lower her chances of getting married and having children.  And plenty of successful men select "trophy wives" over their intellectual and socioeconomic counterparts.  Is it because successful women can't give them the attention they so desperately desire?

Do women need to be more doting to be successful in dating and love?  Or is this only a certain type of (insecure) man that we should happily pass by?

Let us know DVJ.

-- Pistolera

Interesting question she-devil.  Do women need to be more doting to be successful in dating and love? I understand the need for generalizations in life but don't think they really work when matters of the heart apply.

So let's try to look at both sides of the picture.  On one hand, I could make the argument that men don't like to have their egos stroked; rather, they just want an indication that you enjoy their presence.  If you deny them that initial indication, they will still pursue because let's face it, women have the "goods," and it's an alien's job to acquire them.  But, the more you have conversations with this lady and she doesn't give you the slightest affirmation that you're on the right path, the more likely that alien is to blow up at the girl at the most random moment with a speech that starts with  "do you know how awesome I am" and then proceed to pursue a woman who isn't as hard a catch. Instead, a simple pat on the back in the very beginning could have gone a long way.  I get what your most likely response to that logic would be: lame, weak, stupid.

Another side I could take would be, "of course men love to have their egos stroked!" We're men; it's only natural that we want some credit for the hard work we put in day in and day out.  We rule the Earth; if this woman doesn't want to give me my proper due, there are hundreds, I mean millions of other woman out there. I understand the flaws in this line of reasoning.  But then again, I hope you start to see my point.

We could go on and on and on with theory after theory after theory. This question is less about women being more doting and more about men and women being more truthful in what they want upon meeting each other.  Now, a person can't just flat out start a conversation by saying, "Hello, my name is Alien, and I want my ass kissed 24/7."  However, if that same alien can put a lady in a situation where she feels inclined to give compliments without her realizing it, then that's classic courtship.  That can only happen when you make the right connection.  As the saying goes, different strokes for different folks.

So successful ladies, you can have everything you want in a relationship.  Just don't waste your time with people who obviously don't share your thoughts.  What you'll find is that those are the people who will need their ego stroked because they are playing the whole game wrong.

And you trophy wives out there: don't let pistolera get to you. We'll go beat her up on our way to go get you some new Giuseppe Zanotti's -- whatever those are?!

Shout out to my homey Chewbacca, and I'm out!

DVJ